A little less melancholy

I admit that my last post was very introspective and melancholy. Thank God that is not my standard operating system! While I think it is good to reflect, I think it's even better to move forward and use the revelations that come with a good dose of introspection. Since it is late on a Friday night, I am having trouble stringing my thoughts together in a way that is enjoyable to read. Instead, you are getting my "25 Random Things About Me" 1. I'm 1/2 Native American...my Dad is the Native 2. My mom, brother and I were all born on the 13th day of different months 3. I LOVE, seriously LOVE, fantasy/sci-fi fiction novels. Twilight saga, Chronicles of Narnia, A Wrinkle in Time, etc. If you know me, it is kinda anti-type for me ha! 4. I'm a closet computer geek. 5. In the future, I want a job that surrounds me with really good books. 6. I lived in Los Angeles for 6 crazy months. 7. I was on a competition Dance team for 8 years. Tap was my specialty. 8. I'm addicted to endorphins....seriously yall. 9. I have a hard time turning down anything sweet....makes me exercise my self-control muscle. 10. I'm a vegetarian of the lacto-ovo-pesca sort. google it. 11. I'm still friends with girls I met in pre-school. 12. I'm a fan of the show Paranormal State. It's different than those ghost hunter shows. They help people get rid of whatever spirit/demon is in their home. Pretty cool stuff. 13. The supernatural/paranormal fascinates me 14. I'm a Google Reader addict. 15. I love Vera Bradley bags! Not all patterns, but I have my favorites. It's definitely a southern thang. 16. I made a lot of the jewelry you see me wear 17. I have stacks of books around my room....i need wall to wall shelves. 18. I only make my bed when company is coming over. 19. My morning routine hardly ever changes. If I do things out of order I almost always forget to put on deodorant. I forget nothing but that! ha! 20. I really enjoy watching people open gifts I get them! 21. I would rather wear a dress instead of pants to work, but you'll always find me in jeans on the weekends. 22. Diet Dr. Pepper is my favorite soda...and I prefer fountain soda to canned or bottled. 23. I buy my bread at the local farmer's market on Saturdays 24. Twitter...everyone needs a twitter! twitter.com/AlisonLHunt 25. My favorite movie is I Am Sam

Grief

Sorrow is better than laughter, 

for sadness has a refining influence on us.

Ecclesiastes 7:3

I've been thinking a lot today.  Thinking about what it is I want out of this life I've been given and chastising myself for just floating through the days as if I have time to spare.  My days {our days} are numbered.  There is no room for waste.  No room to be someone I am not and do not want to be.  

I have to admit {and am ashamed to say} that I have done many things based on the convictions of others.   Not bad things, but not good things either...hurtful things, beautiful things, irrevocable things BUT things not of my own conviction.  Now I am left wondering what I have missed while looking through the lens of another person.  Only seeing what I've bee told to see.

Reclaiming my vision has given me new colors to marvel, new emotions to process, excitement {once mistaken as anxiety}, the ability to really see {for the first time} really see people and more questions than I ever knew fill my mind.  It has also left me more than a little sad for what I let go in the quest to be someone I am not.  

Knowing that some things cannot be salvaged, how does a woman move past what could have {should have} been to what IS?  I think I'll begin by grieving the loss of something truly beautiful, something I would do almost anything to reclaim if I could, and ask God to hold me tight while we work it through.  Hopefully, learning along the way how to trust God with the ashes of my grief and replace it with something much more beautiful than I know to desire.   

Even though I grieve, I know God is still who He says He is.  He never changes; He cannot be persuaded; He is never derailed.  His purposes always prevail, and I'm counting on that to be true.  

God's constancy is my peace tonight.